Totally Heather

I haven't blogged in a while.  But right now, I have to.  I have to express how I'm feeling somehow.

Let me start by saying that I'm a very difficult situation at the moment.  While I don't want to give out specific details at the moment, I will try my best to explain things.  The reason I'm not going into details is because it's a very difficult topic for me to talk about.  It is very personal and is having (and will continue to have) an immense negative effect on my life.  It is something that I'm even scared to tell my parents about.

Before I go on, I will say that I am NOT pregnant.  So rule that out right now!

For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.  This is very true.  I've made decisions in my life that I knew were wrong at the time.  And yet, I did it anyway.  Now all of those small, wrong decisions have added up and become one large problem that has come back to bite me.  More like chew me up and spit me out.

I'm in a situation that I could place blame on a million different people, places and things.  But I'm not.  I'm taking full responsibility for all of my actions and inactions.  All of the decisions were made by me.  While there may have been outside influences, in the end what I do is always because of what I decide to do.  So because I am taking full responsibility for my actions, I'm facing the scariest situation I've ever had to face.

I'm a mess right now.  I'm completely emotionally drained.  And because I'm depressed, upset, worried - name any negative emotion and I'm feeling it - I'm not sleeping well.  So I'm physically drained as well.  And I believe that things are only going to get worse.

As soon as I tell my parents, I'm sure that I will be more than upset.  They will be beyond disappointment.  Beyond anger.  Telling them is not something I'm looking forward to.  But part of taking full responsibility means I have to tell them.  Telling them is what is causing me more anxiety than anything else.

So this is where I am.  I hope to update you soon and hopefully give out some more details.  I think everyone can learn from my mistakes. 

So it finally happened.  I gave up my BlackBerry.  Well, I didn't so much give it up as it gave up on me.  I was able to get a new BlackBerry because I went directly to the warranty center.  But my new BlackBerry was acting up too.  So I decided to give up.

I caved.  I bought an iPhone.  Or as I call it: iPhizzle.  Do I miss my BlackBerry?  Like crazy!  I could type faster on my BlackBerry than I could even talk.  I could type faster than the fastest thing you can think of.  And now, I'm fat-fingering everything.  I can't type anything quickly without misspelling every single word.  And apparently I can't type quickly because I sometimes don't even hit the letter.

The email function is not up to BlackBerry standard.  But I think that's the biggest BlackBerry vs iPhizzle argument.  But I'm finding it difficult.  

I said I would give the iPhizzle a chance.  For at least 29 days.  And I will.

My BlackBerry Bold is more trouble than it's worth.  Remember how I said it has been acting up and glitching a lot?  Well, here's the ultimate glitch thus far:  My BlackBerry, on its own accord, called every single person in my phone book who's name began with the letter A.  As if that's not bad enough, it called them at 1:15am.  So I spent the morning sending a lot of text message apologies.

My BlackBerry has also decided to start visiting website on its own.  I'll see the red light blinking and go to check my phone.  Instead of opening to the main screen, I'll be looking at Facebook.  Or random sites I've never even visited.  For example, today I had the opportunity to learn how to bake garlic scallops.  Let me give you two reasons why I would never visit that page myself: 1. I don't like scallops and 2. I'm allergic to garlic.

So I believe it's time to invest in a new phone.

So it's that time again.  It's tax return time.  Last year I got back $1950.  That was amazing.  But I desperately wish that I was getting that much back this year.  Instead, I'm probably getting back closer to $300.  That is thoroughly depressing.  I want to know where that extra 0 went.

I could really use the $2000 this year.  I have a list of things I want.  And $2000 would definitely help out with that. Some of the things I want include getting out of debt (yeah, still not there yet), a new phone, a down payment for...  Well, we can go into what I need a down payment for another time.  It's a little controversial and I'll save that for another day.

I'm going to go make cupcakes.  Although I wish I had a platter of already-made red velvet cupcakes.  Anyways, what are you buying with your tax return?

So my life just keeps getting better.  I have a great day yesterday on top of my "perfect moment" and then today life got even better. 

One of my very best friends in the world is pregnant.  And even though I'm an only child, I'll be an aunt.  Because we're just that close.  So I'm so thrilled!  I'll have my first ever niece or nephew.  And I really couldn't be happier.

My friend and her husband are amazing people and I'm so excited for both of them!  I'm even more excited for me.  I get to be an aunt!  And I know that's a big deal but it's huge for me because technically, I could never be an aunt until I got married.  And then I would have to hope my husband has siblings who want children.

So if you follow me on Twitter, you know that lately I've been a little obsessed with Jersey Shore.  I'm not sure why.  But I do love the show.  Maybe because some of my mom's side of the family are just like that.  And maybe because I think Pauly is hot...  Yeah, I'll admit it.

But I've been in a great mood the past few days and I love it.  It's a great feeling.  Except I had a scary moment today.  I walked into the parking lot to leave work and I noticed my antenna was gone.  I started to internally freak out.  I wasn't sure what I should do.  I didn't think a stolen antenna warranted calling the cops but at the same time, how was I going to listen to the radio?  Then I realized my car didn't have an antenna.  That was an awesomely intelligent moment for me.

So tell me about your day!

Let me explain a little bit about what I mean.  This morning I had to deliver some flyers to schools.  It was around 8:45am when I arrived at the first school.  I parked in a park across the street from the school because I didn't know where the visitor lot was. 

So as I was walking through the park, the sun was shining through all of the trees.  All of the trees had red and orange leaves from the cold front we had just gone through.  There was a factory near by and the gentle breeze was blowing the smell of the factory my way.  The breeze was light enough to feel like the first day of fall.  There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the beams of sun shone through the trees.  And the only sound to be heard was my own footsteps crunching the leaves on the ground.

It was complete perfection.  I realized that it was everything I love all rolled into one moment.  It smelled like Boston.  It was sweater weather.  The scenery was picturesque.  And I was all by myself in a moment of complete and utter perfection.  And this all happened in Tampa, the place I have been trying to escape.

And from there my day only got better.  Work went well.  Really well.  But that moment was amazing and I didn't want it to end.  Have you ever had a moment like that?  Or am I just crazy?

Today I cried over something completely materialistic.  And I am legitimately ashamed of it.  In the midst of the present problems that are plaguing those far worse off than I am, I'm crying about a cell phone.

Nonetheless, today when I found out that the warranty doesn't cover my malfunctioning BlackBerry because I have a scratch on the silver decorative area, I cried.

My BlackBerry is my lifeline.  I know this sounds more than slightly ridiculous but it's true.  I'm never seen without my BlackBerry.  And now that it has finally decided not to work, I'm pretty devastated.  It's my fourth BlackBerry.  My second Bold.  And I think it's time.  It's time for me to bid farewell to the phone that has given me so much grief with the few moments of brilliance.

But for now, I'll have to research my smart phones.  And save money for not only the phone but also insurance to prevent this BlackBerry debacle from occurring again.